my history with weightlifting
i said my first post was going to be about a movie, but today i slept in and went to the gym so i decided to brain dump about weightlifting instead. i posted something a few hours ago but edited it so much that i scrapped it and am starting over. :)
i've been weightlifting since i was a teenager and i have had a very complex relationship with it. somehow i learned about strong curves and bodybuilding became the first style of workout that i really loved. it also helped me get away from a shitty home situation. after i moved away to college, weightlifting became a compulsive activity i would do to push my emotions away. i was happy with my physical progress - i effectively changed my entire body composition with weightlifting - but it took a toll on my mind and body and i had to take a break from it.
recently i've been lifting regularly again and i wanted to write about what changed. this was me today
the main thing is that i can feel emotions now. lifting became a very confusing activity for me, because i liked doing it in a vacuum but it became so entangled with avoidance that i needed to stop doing it to release my emotional floodgates. now instead of lifting compulsively to not feel things, i use lifting to deal with the emotions i have.
during my break (roughly from may 2022 - apr 2024) i was actually intermittently lifting, but it never stuck. i actually got back into it because i was having uncontrollable rage spirals at work that yoga, meditation, journaling, all the conventional things people say help didn't work. one day i got so fucking mad at work that i ran to my campus gym, just did whatever at the gym, and i felt so much better.
i kept going to deal with my anger, and my mood and confidence have improved over time. it's possible that the agency i had in choosing to lift, without imposing rules on myself, helped me see outside of my situation, and i am actually quitting the job that made me so mad and changing my life situation in other ways now too. my period is back to being more regular and less painful. clearly my mind and body are giving me positive feedback when i lift. also i won't lie, the positive attention i get at the gym is a huge confidence boost after a long time of feeling like shit.
i invented the term intuitive weightlifting when i was writing the original blog post from earlier today, and i'm calling it that because
- i don't care about building muscle. i progressively overload only when i feel like it, which is a much better signal for me than whatever "science" tells me i should be doing
- i am not following any plan, i do whatever lifts i want. i already know what works for me
- i go as little or as much as i want. currently i go about 3x a week because i am taking advantage of my campus gym before i quit
ultimately, i don't really tie my identity to lifting anymore. at various points in college i was known for being a "gym girl", and it made me feel uneasy because i didn't see myself that way. i was so focused on the gym because it was a bad coping mechanism, and i knew that in the back of my mind. now it's just a pasttime for me. having the ability to feel things now and to do things i like on my own terms is the biggest blessing of all.